Acceptance

A hard day in uni yesterday - emotionally. Realised I have this overwhelming fear of not being accepted, especially in a large classroom setting. I can't quite figure out why.

During a triad exercise, I received feedback from the tutor on my counselling skills - I am a good listener, listened to my client intently. When asked to give what I thought were my stengths, I assumed I used empathi...

c responses well. The tutor said I sounded judgemental at times. This made me feel inadequate. This is my problem, I know. I usually accept constructive criticism well. I don't think I am judgemental.

My client had inferred that her son who suffers with ADHD was a dysfunctional member of society. I reflected this back to her in a way which I thought was empathic, but on reflection, my tutor said, the reflective response I gave was not empathic.

My problem is, that because the tutor did not think I acted out my role in the correct way, I think I have done a bad job and this makes me feel bad, which leaves me thinking that because I have done a bad job then the tutor does not accept me.

There is obviously something within my sub conscious about not being accepted/liked by tutors, whether I have never been valued in this way is something I need to explore further within my personal therapy sessions (a compulsory part of my MA). I have had two personal therapy sessions so far and I am trying to work through this difficulty that I face, especially as I will be in a classroom setting for the next three years.

I know I am a trainee counsellor and will be expected to "not get it right" yet, so what is my problem I ask myself.

Came out of uni this week feeling pretty damn shit and thought about not going back, even doubted myself as to whether I would make a good counsellor. Full of self doubt, worthlessness and not being accepted. But then again, at least I am aware of how I feel.

Personal therapy on Friday!

I'm sure this fear I have goes way beyond what I imagine it is at the moment.

Night Terror - Poem

When I was a child, I used to have night terrors, and as an adult I suffer from sleep paralysis now and then. Don't know why! But, I was reflecting on my childhood last night, writing in my personal development journal. I got angry, slammed the journal shut and went to bed. I wrote a poem on my Blackberry instead - it's from a child's point of view (perhaps that's the frame of mind I was in) and straight from the heart, so won't be editing it. Thought I might share it, I don't usually share my poems because I think they're rubbish, but hey.

I saw a head floating in the curtains,
big with guts hanging from its neck.
Eventually, I managed to scream,
it seemed like ages
before mother arrived at my bedside,
her eyes horrible, frightening
and wide.
"There's a head in the curtains," I said
"Don't be stupid," she said, smacked
my face and told me to shut up,
go to sleep.
I couldn't sleep, cried quietly under the quilt.
(c) Valerie Roberts 2012