Acceptance

A hard day in uni yesterday - emotionally. Realised I have this overwhelming fear of not being accepted, especially in a large classroom setting. I can't quite figure out why.

During a triad exercise, I received feedback from the tutor on my counselling skills - I am a good listener, listened to my client intently. When asked to give what I thought were my stengths, I assumed I used empathi...

c responses well. The tutor said I sounded judgemental at times. This made me feel inadequate. This is my problem, I know. I usually accept constructive criticism well. I don't think I am judgemental.

My client had inferred that her son who suffers with ADHD was a dysfunctional member of society. I reflected this back to her in a way which I thought was empathic, but on reflection, my tutor said, the reflective response I gave was not empathic.

My problem is, that because the tutor did not think I acted out my role in the correct way, I think I have done a bad job and this makes me feel bad, which leaves me thinking that because I have done a bad job then the tutor does not accept me.

There is obviously something within my sub conscious about not being accepted/liked by tutors, whether I have never been valued in this way is something I need to explore further within my personal therapy sessions (a compulsory part of my MA). I have had two personal therapy sessions so far and I am trying to work through this difficulty that I face, especially as I will be in a classroom setting for the next three years.

I know I am a trainee counsellor and will be expected to "not get it right" yet, so what is my problem I ask myself.

Came out of uni this week feeling pretty damn shit and thought about not going back, even doubted myself as to whether I would make a good counsellor. Full of self doubt, worthlessness and not being accepted. But then again, at least I am aware of how I feel.

Personal therapy on Friday!

I'm sure this fear I have goes way beyond what I imagine it is at the moment.

Night Terror - Poem

When I was a child, I used to have night terrors, and as an adult I suffer from sleep paralysis now and then. Don't know why! But, I was reflecting on my childhood last night, writing in my personal development journal. I got angry, slammed the journal shut and went to bed. I wrote a poem on my Blackberry instead - it's from a child's point of view (perhaps that's the frame of mind I was in) and straight from the heart, so won't be editing it. Thought I might share it, I don't usually share my poems because I think they're rubbish, but hey.

I saw a head floating in the curtains,
big with guts hanging from its neck.
Eventually, I managed to scream,
it seemed like ages
before mother arrived at my bedside,
her eyes horrible, frightening
and wide.
"There's a head in the curtains," I said
"Don't be stupid," she said, smacked
my face and told me to shut up,
go to sleep.
I couldn't sleep, cried quietly under the quilt.
(c) Valerie Roberts 2012

Detachment

I start university next week. I am nervous but excited.  After I start, I will be updating my blog on a daily basis.

I was at work last Saturday doing a twelve hour shift.  There is one customer that comes into the gambling centre on a regular basis.  She does have a problem with gambling and, at times, she admits this.  There was always something about her that made me uneasy.  You know, one of those people that make you feel uncomfortable but you cannot quite put your finger on as to 'why'.

Anyway, she was at the centre for most of the day and ended up putting a substantial amount of money into the machines - more that I earn in one month!  She is demanding in that she asks for tea every half an hour - it is the way she asks though, pointing her finger at you and not saying 'please' or 'thank you', but as part of my job I have to be diplomatic and put up with the traits of gamblers - rude at times, ignorant, demanding, liars, fowl mouthed, and so on.

Towards the end of the shift, there was a spot of bother outside the centre - it was races night in Chester and you know what that means - drunken men and women older than myself causing trouble - fighting and shouting.

As there are only two of us on at any time on our shift, we thought it best to shut the centre early, we made a decision and it was the right one, because as we shut the centre there were men being handcuffed and taken away by the police outside and there was sick all over the street.

The customer I was referring to earlier was the only customer inside the centre.  My colleague told the customer that we would be shutting early because of the trouble outside.  Well, the customer went off her head - shouting, swearing and reiterating how much money she had thrown into the machine and that she had not got it back.  (The payouts are random and the customers know that!)  I knew there was something about her!  My colleague got into an argument with her, telling her that she was not prepared to put the staff and customers at risk of any trouble coming through the door.  I was surprised that I did not feel nervous any more as I stood behind my colleague and observed.

Anyway, as out shift came towards the end, the customer came up to us and was a totally different person.  She went on about how she had self excluded herself from all the gambling centres in the area apart from ours.  I could not help but jump into counsellor mode with my response.  I said something on the lines of "did you not self exclude yourself from here because you knew you would not be able to resist temptation, as if you needed that little 'bit' of security". She said "yes".  I realised that I had to detach myself from the counsellor role right there and then because, really, I work with these people to try keep them in the centre so that the centre makes money, money that pays my wages for now.  But, I felt awful for not being able to empathise with her right there and then, I felt a real compassion for this customer.  She went on to say that she keeps making excuses for not attending the gambling anonymous centre, how much she has started lying to her family, how much she swears and feels ashamed about it, how her family are turning against her.  I so wanted to reach out to her and help her.  My colleague was telling the customer what she 'needed' to do (not something I would do as a Counsellor, because counsellors do not give advice) i.e. go to the gambling anonymous centre, etc, etc.  At this point, I realised that when I start my MA in Clinical Counselling, I will have to learn to detach from my clients, not become emotionally involved.  I think I can do this, but, you know, I am human too, and I really want to help people.

I might get in touch with the gambling anonymous centre and see if they need any voluntary help.  Imagine that, working there and working at the gambling centre too. That should be interesting, but a great way for me to learn to detach in certain situations.

:-)     

       

Introduction to me, and my aims

Hello, my name is Valerie Roberts.  I am a trainee Clinical Counsellor.  I also work in an adult gambling centre where I meet lots of interesting and lovely people.  My counselling skills play a big part in this role although I do not counsel the service users.  

On 26 September 2012, I will commence my Masters Degree in Clinical Counselling.  I do have some experience of counselling - I have completed a Level 2 counselling course which was a necessary part of the criteria for my Masters (along with my degree and other personal qualities). 

I have a first class degree in Creative Writing - I graduated in 2011.  Whilst on the degree, I wrote fictional poems and stories about mental health - a lot of it was written from personal life experiences, and I suppose this is where my interest in becoming a counsellor came from.  I have not had personal counselling myself, but it is a necessary part of my Masters Degree and something I am really looking forward to - as I relish the idea of finding out who I really am and being in total acceptance of myself.  This is something I wish to help people with - accepting who they are for what they are which will in turn enable them to deal with difficulties they may face in order to live a normal life!

This blog, hopefully, will assist me on my journey and, hopefully, assist others on theirs.

I write poetry.  Reading and writing poetry can be a therapeutic experience for some.

I will put poetry up here. I hope you enjoy it and please feel free to comment, or take what you want from reading it.

I write stories.

I will put stories up here.

I listen to others.

I will listen to you here.

I will not give advice.

I will guide you.

I am naturally empathic.

I am honest.

I am not a practising/qualified counsellor yet, so anything I do write or say will be at trainee level and any support given will be given at trainee level.  I cannot be held responsible for misleading information or any consequence because of my support given.  This blog is a friendly blog and I am sure as I progress throughout my Masters Degree, I will become more professional in my approach.